Anxiety... so many thoughts: upheaval, abandonment, fear, loss, betrayal. I felt the tide of anger coming in increasing waves. Did I have a choice but to lash out? I thought to myself, "What does my certain knowledge of some kind of beautiful future life do for me when that which is most cherished on this earth is taken away?"
I froze...and then I slowly repeated aloud, "when that which is MOST cherished? Is taken away?" Had I really allowed the meager items that filled that bag to become cherished and relied upon more than the king who had saved me with His own blood?
Words like thunder pealed across my sky, "Stop looking among those scraps! I have relieved you of them so that you will LOOK TO ME!"
Something like a warm whisper began to tease at my heart's periphery. It was like the warmth I felt as a young child eating my grandmas chicken gravy on a Sunday afternoon, the hearty laughter of my best friend sharing an exquisite moment of humor, loves sweetest and most solemn vow, the strong, and steadying embrace of my father, long-since passed.
I have learned that for me, a sense of anxiety waves the red flag that there is most assuredly idolatry in my heart. Some woefully inadequate god is being asked to fulfill my deepest needs. My wounded soul hurts and tries to patch the holes. Even after all of this time, it is still my knee-jerk response to pain. I think I need a better version of me, or a somebody else. I search for some THING, or I strap my hopes to concentrated and wholly misguided religious effort.
Lord Jesus, please help me daily to remember that "It is finished!" None of my feeble efforts are required because the strong arms of my Savior have accomplished all that I never could.
(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
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