Driven by Desire: Protection or Plums?

So, I have this crazy desire to do something...something kind of life-altering. It has to do with possibly going to school and taking on a pretty sizable challenge. I have tons of questions and thoughts about how I should or shouldn't approach this desire, but it comes down to: Will I or Won't I?

When you are rushing down a well-worn freeway that you have driven a thousand times, you aren't paying attention to the signs. You already know the exits, the speed-limits, the difficult sections of rough road. It all becomes so mundane and boring. I have even been surprised by the amusing "novelty" of finding myself to be following the same car, with the same goofy bumper sticker, on the same stretch of road, at the same time, on consecutive mornings. This lets me know, I am not alone in this daily grind... You have felt it too.

The only desire that I feel driving me forward in those moments is the desire to not get fired. It feels like I am primarily holding on to what I've got.

I know from first hand knowledge that those types of autopilot commutes are actually prime time for accidents to happen. It is the illusion of sameness and safety that lulls us into a faith in our own skills, an expectation (no matter how wrongly assumed) that our neighboring vehicles will keep the proper distance and that mechanical malfunctions will be safely dealt with on the side of the road, and not explosively... in the center lane.

Then the accident happens and you realize that cars are terrifyingly big and heavy when they can't be stopped, the physical laws of the universe are not always kind, and life is found to be utterly precious.

I was going to say next that pain will take the fight right out of a person, but I mean something different. Some people get more angry and spiteful when they experience pain, but I see this as a reaction to the terrible realization that suffering is something fully beyond their control. I think I've hit on what I mean right there: pain pulls back the veil and exposes a kind of "shameful" lack of actual control...over anything.

The way that the above illustrates the hardships, and tragedies that spring up during our lives is so obvious as to not warrant mentioning, but I did want to say one small thing about it. As we heal from the physical results of something like an accident, I think that it becomes a painfully present fact that although we can get the good doctor to set our broken bones and offer some comforting medication and braces to support us as we heal, the actual knitting together of broken bones and torn tissue is done completely outside of the realm of human intervention and is accomplished on a timetable all its own. Putting a broken leg into use before it is fully healed may serve the ego, or the ambition, or even to give us the approval of those close to us who may want us to, "get back at it'", but it will most likely result in chronic pain or worse - another painful break.

What I mean to write about in this post is not the sleepy commute punctuated by horrific calamity, pain and healing, but something different entirely. To relate it in similar terms, what I am talking about is akin to a person driving to an unknown destination based on a rumor and a desire.

You have a vacation day. One of those wonderful days off where you have no serious plans. You overhear a woman in line at a grocery store say, "I hear there is a farm with the most incredible plums out in the back roads of Washington County." 

You love plums! In fact at this moment you NEED plums! You get up the courage to risk looking like some sort of fruit stalker and you ask the stranger if she knows any more information about the location of these amazing plum trees. 

"Well, I don't remember the name of the place, but my friend was telling me that there was a big green sign out front. Sorry, that's all I know!"  

There are decisions to be made. The first half of the day had lazed along fairly well until that contentious argument with your neighbor, where you described in detail how to park one's car in the center of a stall rather than over into the adjoining spot. You secretly wonder why it bothered you so much, but it really did. Do you take the remaining hours of your precious day off and try to find this farm among all of the farms in a vast farming area? Or do you just go back into the grocery store and buy whatever hard, juice-less plum that they may have in stock and head back to the apartment? 

Was this day made for exploration, or was it made for comfort and ease? 

Were you made to run and chase the natural and pure desires of your heart, or were you made to watchfully guard the stuff you have already got? Will it be a waste of gas that could be spent in more productive ways. Will you lose your way? Does this farm really exist?

You can do all of the research possible, seek all of the advice you can get. You can employ GPS, Google, Facebook, and Yelp, but none of them are going to be of much help to you with your lack of information. So few people have actually been there before you, any information you might gain will be spotty at best. The small but persistent threads you have are: "Incredible Plums", Washington County, green sign, and an intense DESIRE.

What sort of person are you? What sort of God made you?

What are you going to do?

A Coupla Bums

I have a friend... It's true! 

Actually I have several, maybe not as many as you do, but they seem to be okay with me, even as quirky as I am, so I am not going to argue. Each one of my friends has been a particular blessing to me and has filled a very distinct place in my life. 

The friend I am talking about today is a very different kind of a friend. He appeared out of nowhere, I see him very infrequently, he is cantankerous and grumpy, he seems to have difficulty playing nice with others, he has incredible health issues that further keep him from being more of a regular friend, he has been hurt terribly and isn't so sure he really has the desire to be in community again. 

All of that said, when I have needed a lifeline, God has faithfully sent him to me on several occasions. I can’t even describe the kind of love that he has shown to me just by the careful way he has sifted through all of my rantings and found some kind of insight or encouragement for me. He has been voted "Most Likely to Understand Me", in all of the complexity of a life being lived, hopefully respectfully, in a sometimes sterilized and polished looking community of faith (at least on the surface) while absolute mayhem has broken loose in my life.

 

As I have gotten real and vulnerable, pouring out the bad, the worse and the ugly, he has been an amazing friend like one of the characters from one of my favorite books called, “The Cure” that says, “Yeah? Is that all you got?”

 

I don’t need or want him to be perfect or posture himself in a certain way, I just need to know that he is never going to tell me in word or in action (as is quite common to hear when the storms don't blow over as quickly as expected), “Brian, this is just too messy for me. You need to put a nicer face on this stuff. Aren’t you supposed to be better by now?”

 

My friend and I have traveled some similar roads and though we are very different personalities and he has a few years on me, there is a commonality in the way we wrestle, grapple and process the challenges we face. We have both tried to ascend to a place of religious knowledge and practice and been slammed back to earth. We are both, very admittedly and unapologetically, broken beyond all repair. Our best human hopes for our lives, seemingly shipwrecked.

 

If either of us idiots are ever going to be of any effect in this world it isn't going to come through what my friend calls “Victorious Christian Living” (with tongue firmly planted in cheek), it will be through the experience of great pain and the humble compassion we learn when we see what we are really made of (trust me, it ain't great). I am so glad that God has given me such friends!

 

As I lie next to my fellow bums, amidst the dented garbage cans and filth, I am awakened by a beautiful light, and the sweetest song I have ever heard. It moves my heart with a sense of the surest hope, security and comfort. I look up to the sky to catch a glimpse and it fills me with wonder and amazement. Tears stream down my face. I don’t want to appear crazy, because I almost can’t believe how wonderful it is, but I venture to ask if anyone else sees and hears it too.

 

One guy says, “Of course I do! That beer sign has been there for years!” 

Another says, “Charley has been singing the blues around the corner all night! He won’t shut UP!”

 

“No!” I say, “I don’t mean that! The other light! The other song! Don't you hear it?”, but they just figure I am having a crazy spell and roll back over.

 

I begin to doubt my own eyes, the light begins to fade, the song gets drowned out by Charley's lonesome musings. I try to calm myself and lie back down. 

Just then something catches my eye. Through the pale glow, another bum has his eyes wide open to the sky and I can see the tears glistening on his cheeks, just like mine. 

He looks over at me, and I give a knowing smile. He smiles right back and wipes the tears. 

I notice a handkerchief sling on his arm. "I am sorry 'bout the arm, man! You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, it hurts real bad. Not sure if it got set right.  But I got this feeling that no matter what happens here, we are gonna be alright!"

As we talk, we both notice that the light and the song comes flooding back, even stronger than before. With our face to the sky we feel a shared hope and a bond that will not easily be broken.

 

I guess it all just seems like some crazy dream unless us bums can stick together and share our experience of this amazing grace, with our hearts open, in the midst of the messed up brokenness of this alley.

A Seed With A Choice

I know this is probably painfully obvious, it is to me too, but somehow I have a new sense of immediacy as to why our flesh needs to die out:

 

1.       Whatever fleshly part of us continues to live, tries to justify its own existence and grasps onto this temporal life (ie. reputation, sexuality, children, finances, career, you name it).

 

2.       Whatever grasps onto this life, and works to prove it’s worth  (justification), keeps us from entering into God's rest.

 

As I am being installed into my place as a slave to Christ, my flesh has thrashed about like a wild animal who doesn’t fully realize he has been overwhelmingly captured. I have desperately tried to figure out what I might cling to from my old life…My God will have NONE of it.

 

I imagine a terrified street urchin being caged and carted to a palatial new home by a kind and caring benefactor who has adopted him. He is caged for his own protection because he has not fully accepted that this gift is for real. Even after having been given proof of his good fortune he still clings to his last moldy crust of bread. As compelling as the evidence to the contrary may be, something deep inside of him still believes it to be his only hope of survival.

 

Sometimes I feel as though I have been shaken like a rag doll and much of what I was holding onto has been mercifully released from my grasp (I think I have described it before as being “Slapped out of my hands”). I had to be compelled to let go of that old life and even grieved the loss (there is a deep grief even if it is only a partially eaten crust of bread, it represents survival) even as I am being released into a gloriously beautiful freedom. I know there is much more that I could let go of, but God is being very patient with me.

 

I think I understand today more than ever what Jesus means when he tells us:

 

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.” (John 12:24-26 esv)

 

I believe there is much evidence to suggest that the greatest world changers in Christian history (I mean the good ones) have wrestled with their faith, had their legs broken by Jesus’ in their own personal, terrifying, Sermon on the Mount, and rode atop Christ’s shoulders into those foggy, darkened margins just outside of what might be considered plausible, tidy, genteel, or reasonable. If we will go with Him where He leads, I am guessing His fiery sword (His Word) will provide just enough light for us to witness his majestic love at work, but not enough to allow us to get real comfortable. We get really stupid when we think we know the lay of the land, or when we start to feel our own strength again. 

I pray we will cling to Jesus ever... only.

Vanity!

In the very industry of conceiving, planning, choosing, creating, perfecting, and finally setting in place the idols that we so effortlessly turn our hearts toward, we distract ourselves from the deep sense of loneliness we all feel. When at last we are left in our quiet, candled cloister to enjoy what we have made, we discover that the pleasures of working, creating and loving, are only meaningless signposts written in gibberish if indeed there is no living, purposeful Divinity at the heart of our highest pursuits.

Grace In The Alley

Mr. Grace lifted his great tattooed arm, grabbed me by my extra starched, already blood-stained, three-hundred dollar shirt collar, and threw me against the alley wall, shouting, "You knew the rules and you broke them! You looked directly into my face and broke them!” I hit that wall, lined with putrid smelling garbage cans and the subsequent stone pavement with a crash and a thud.

“You are no longer welcome in this establishment! We invite a higher class of clientele to walk through those front doors. That is NOT you, and it will NEVER be you! Get out and STAY OUT!"

I couldn't argue! I certainly wanted to, but he spoke the truth. I am, and have always been a con and a traitor. A lascivious, lecherous, liar. Like a preacher with a greasy handshake and a shiny white smile! I had a taste for a scheme. I cheated! I stole! I would have taken much more if I had gotten the chance. I already spent my ill-gotten gain on certain items that make a man feel as though he isn't quite the lowlife he suspects he really is: new fancy clothes, a girl to walk around town with, a temporary residence in a swanky hotel. There was no chance of paying it back! I was a man, completely out of options. I had no job, no prospects, and I had already drained all of the suckers I knew of every last penny. I was down to my last dime.

Purposeless...worthless...hopeless.

I lay there, motionless.

I felt the sting of the hard pavement against my battered face, as I took a physical and emotional inventory. I hurt all over. I should have never tried to play my kind of game here! Not in this sort of place. The jig was up, and the cops would be here soon. I heard the alley door slam shut as Grace stormed back inside.

"I could NEVER make it in there! I just don't have what it takes!" I shouted with slurred speech at the empty bread sack lying by my head, "Those people can see right through my act!"

The siren's wail was now audible and getting louder, and I tried to get up to run away, but my legs wouldn't move. I wasn't even able to struggle to my feet.

In an instant, tires squealed around the corner as pristine and detailed cop cars filled the alley. All of the intensity of their brand of cold, swift justice was trained on this rumpled, bloodied drunkard in the alley ...all eyes were focused on me. Out of the front vehicle stepped a large uniformed figure who carried the serene aura of someone who was graciously permitting other citizens to occupy these streets - but only just.

“My name is Officer Law, Jackie! Looks like you’ll be taking a ride with us to the station!”

Had the prospect of being treated to a stay with some of the most notoriously brutal cops in a city known for its brutal treatment of scum like me not scared me so badly, I would have taken humorous note of the fate that brought together a man, his career, and his last name. Instead, I just groaned my compliance. He gestured with his hand for his men to remove me from my position of restful repose.

The alley door flew open with a hard CRACK, scattering a flurry of chipped red paint from the back of its ancient, wooden surface. Mr. Grace stormed out into the alley and boldly approached the officers. "How dare you come barreling into this alley, like you own the place!” He pointed a thick powerful finger into Officer Law’s proud chest. “I am running a legitimate business! What are you trying to do to me?!?”

There was some discussion, there was pointing, and there was recognition. My goose was cooked!

"...But, sir, someone called in a tip... a Mr. Kategoros. He said he was some sort of lawyer, saying something about a con man named, Jackie Royale, whose detailed description bears quite a resemblance to the upstanding citizen displayed before us. I figured the caller was your mouthpiece!”

I buried my head in my arms. I knew what was coming. I had always known what was coming. It was only a matter of time until I made a wrong step and was exposed for the pick-pocketing peddler that I was. I waited...and then I heard the sound...

...of laughter?

Not just laughter. This was snorting, unhinged, deafening, red-faced, side-splitting laughter. Something struck Mr. Grace funny and he could not contain himself!

Even the officers began to smile through their irritation, but held it close to the vest, their nervous eyes darting toward each other to gauge what their reaction should be, believing that possibly the joke was on them.

Finally after wiping the tears from his now bloodshot eyes, Mr. Grace said with a remaining chuckle, "My mouthpiece?? Mr K.?? MY mouthpiece??? I haven't had anything to do with that snake since I kicked him out of here ages ago!

“Well, the story is that this gentleman here stole 70K of house money! Is this bum the guy who ripped you off?" The officer pointed and squinted at me.

Grace stepped in front of the officer and met his accusing gaze with an other-worldly intensity of his own. Boldly, he rested his hand over the pointing finger and pressed the man's arm down to his side and there was a kind of strained silence that seemed to last for minutes as the officer lost his will to let things escalate into a brawl, or worse.

“I will tell you this, fellas.” He continued semi-seriously “This shadowy character, 'Jackie' you are talking about has been caught hanging around here before. I threw him out myself, and I can assure you that he bears no resemblance at all to the man you see here! This man's name is John! John Basileia!”

I had gone by Jackie for as long as anyone around here had known me! Even I had forgotten that I had been using a pseudonym! How would HE know?

Mr. Grace continued, “Let me explain something to you! While I have extended John a lot of credit in the past, as of today, that debt has been completely paid in full. In fact, he works for me now.” He motioned to the officer to come in close, cupped his hand by his mouth and in a mock whisper said “Truth be known, He's actually one of my best employees!"

Officer Harvey looked down at my broken body, as I lie in the undefinable sludge of spilled beer and chew spit. "H-he’s one of your b-best employees? Are you sure?"

"Am I sure? Are you kidding me? Of COURSE I am sure!" he stated authoritatively. "Why don't you go arrest someone who has actually done something wrong?!?"

Officer Law tucked his tail between his legs, begged pardon, and reluctantly, after one final dismissive signal to his seriously confused men, left the two of us alone in the alley as abruptly as they'd arrived.

I waited to find out my fate as the sound of their purring engines sped off into the bustling city. I lie there searching for words, I couldn't come up with a thing!

Breaking through the glazed crust that had formed over the moment of my exposed shame, and subsequent unexplained rescue, Grace spoke the first word.

"Well?" a heavy, almost comical sigh escaped through his knowing smile, "Let's move you inside so I can get you cleaned up!”

Through my swollen lips and labored breathing I said, "I thought you said I could never come back!"

"Not as one of those stuffed shirted patrons you couldn't...HA! You wouldn't last a DAY with that crowd, Trust me. I saved you some serious heartache! I will hand it to you though! You were determined to make it work! And you’d have died trying! But…I think you've had enough."

He came close to me, and knelt down to carefully prop my head up against his bent knee. He took a clean white handkerchief out of his pocket, and pressed it into wounded side of my sagging, disfigured face. My neck turned slightly to lock onto the eyes of this wounding and saving force of nature, and as I did, I saw that he was already looking deeply into my soul.

"John, you will never come through those front doors again! No, you'll be coming in through the old red door in the alley from now on.”

His resonant voice now reverberated warmly through my chest as his eyes welled up.

“John, you need to know… only my very own children are ever welcomed through that door."